


When I'm all alone, I reach for you (and I think I feel you reaching back)

by NeonWhims



Category: Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Anxiety, Fluff no angst, Leather Jackets, M/M, a happy ending??? in THIS tag??? it's more likely than you think, yea they pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-05
Updated: 2020-03-05
Packaged: 2021-03-12 21:51:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,663
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23028292
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NeonWhims/pseuds/NeonWhims
Summary: Dan's found hell in a corner with his anxiety during Kevin's party. Turns out heaven looks a lot like a nice leather jacket.
Relationships: Daniel Condren/Kevin O'Reilly
Comments: 7
Kudos: 134





	When I'm all alone, I reach for you (and I think I feel you reaching back)

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: RPF means exactly what it says on the tin- fiction. This is a piece meant for this lil corner of the internet only. Please leave it alone and don't involve the real Dan or Kevin with it, thanks.

An anxiety attack was fine, manageable even, on most days. An anxiety attack at a party was one of his bigger fears, but even that could be dealt with, the embarrassment minimal.  
  
An anxiety attack at Kevin’s house during a party? _ Hell. _

He couldn’t even tell when it started, not really. He’d managed through the door, got a hug from Kevin_ , _and had joined up to chat with a group about Smash Bros. after getting a drink. It had been okay, he thought, making jokes about Waluigi, explaining his massive tournaments with amiibo, until that feeling crept in, that oh God what if I’m not laughing enough what if I’m laughing too much what if they think I sound lame what if my jokes suck what if they wish I wasn’t here what if what if-

But that feeling hadn’t really crept in, had it? Hadn’t it always been there? Since the second he’d accepted the invitation from Kevin, changed shirts six times, pants five, shoes two. Since his therapist had encouraged him to go, no, practically demanded he go - come on, Daniel, you’ve been cooped up for weeks, don’t you think it’d be good to see your friends, Daniel?- and sure, maybe they’re right, he probably did need to get out more, but god, did it have to be at _ Kevin’s? _ Where there’s drinking, and closed quarters, and the expectation that he’ll stay the night because _ Oh no Dan, it’s way too late to try and get back, just stay here, it’s alright, let me grab you a pillow- _where there’s way too many chances that he’ll snap and break and make a dumb fucking move and he’ll lose Kevin, he will, he’ll lose Kevin and their friends and everything he holds dear in one night, one stupid word or touch or glance and he’s sent packing back to Dublin, life changed and over, all his fault his stupid fault why did he even let himself come-

He. Can’t. Breathe.  
  
Sitting in the corner of Kevin’s room, Dan shoves a fist over his mouth to try and keep his gasping breaths quiet. The last thing he wants to do is explain to anyone why he’s shaking and losing it at his good friend’s party, why he’s not having a good time, why he can’t just get over himself and-

No. He has to breathe. He is going to breathe.  
  
In.  
  
Out.  
  
In.  
  
Out.  
  
He slowly releases his hand from a fist, getting feeling back in the knuckles.  
  
In.  
  
Out.  
  
In.  
  
Out.  
  
He pulls his other hand off his leg where he’d been grasping, wincing at the red marks left there. He won’t let that wind him back up again. He _ can’t- _

In.  
  
Out.  
  
In.  
  
Out.  
  
In-

The door opens and Dan startles, tears immediately filling his eyes. He’s not normal, he’s not, and now someone’s found out and they’ll figure out everything and it’s over-

“Hey, Dan, buddy, it’s me. It’s Kevin. What’s going on?”  
  
_ Hell. Hell. Hell. Hell is going on, Kevin, I’m so sorry. You don’t deserve this and I’m so sorry- _

“Hey, I’m gonna close the door and walk over, okay? It’s only me, I promise.”  
  
_ Hell - wait, what? _  
  
There’s the sound of the door closing, and then fabric whispering, footsteps, someone dropping down in front of him. Dan doesn’t dare to breathe. If he doesn’t talk, doesn’t move, maybe Kevin will forget he’s even there, will get back up and walk out and nothing has to change between them, everything can go back to normal, no one needs to know about the pathetic guy in the corner of the room who can’t even see his friends without-

  
“Dan, hey, Dan. Can you look at me? Please? You’re shaking.” 

Kevin lays a hand on his shoulder and Dan jumps, not sure how to take the sudden contact. Is he going to kick him out? Is he going to go back out there and make jokes about the idiot ruining the party? In the back of his mind he knows he won’t, it’s _ Kevin, _but he can’t stop the thoughts being pushed in his head. He’s finding all the reasons it’s called an attack. His own brain is leading the battle. 

Kevin is leaving- no, Kevin is more firmly holding his shoulder, Kevin is putting a hand under his chin, Kevin is lifting his head and it’s all over, he’s out of the shadows, there’s no going back from this.  
  
“Wait, why are you crying? If someone said something, tell me the truth, I’ll go out there right now and fix it.”  
  
“No-” Dan stutters out, grimacing when his voice cracks. He takes a shaky breath and continues. “It’s fine. My anxiety just got the best of me. I’m sorry. You can go back out there. I’ll leave as soon as I can.” 

Kevin chuckles - _ chuckles? _ \- and puts both of his hands on his shoulders. “Look at me. No, Dan, _ look _ at me. You’re not going anywhere, okay? Not now, not when you feel better. I mean, unless you really want to, but I’m certainly not showing you the door.”  
  
“Really?”  
  
“Yes, really, you think I don’t get it? I had a panic attack walking out of Burger King once because of how close a car came to the sidewalk after my accident. Dropped my burger and everything. You really think I’m gonna toss you out over this?”  
  
Dan shrugs, wiping some tears from his face. “You had a good reason for that, though. You went through an entire accident, Kev, I’m here strugglin’ because I got overwhelmed.”  
  
Kevin looks right into his eyes. “What, and you think that’s not a good reason? What kind of shit is that? You're gonna tell me I can’t panic and worry if I get overwhelmed filming for my channel? Or if I thought the party wasn’t going well? Am I allowed to get anxious then?”  
  
“Well, yeah, Kevin, but that’s you, that’s not-”  
  
Kevin’s hands are gripping his arms now, and it would almost feel intimidating if his hold wasn’t so warm and gentle. Instead, it feels like Kevin’s trying to keep him safe. Dan wants to ask from what, but he already knows that answer. From himself.

“Hey, here-” he hears from Kevin, almost immediately followed by a warm weight being placed on his shoulders.  
  
It’s Kevin’s leather jacket. It’s still warm from his wearing it, the heavy fabric a welcome sensation to help ground him. And he’s pretty sure if he just leans his head down a little bit too, it would probably - oh yeah, it does, smells like Kevin’s cologne and a splash of alcohol and the brisk Ireland air.  
  
_ Oh, heaven. _

Dan looks up, and swears for a second that Kevin looks almost nervous. He knows that’s absurd though. If anything, he’s probably nervous that Dan’s never gonna calm down and he’s gonna puke all over his jacket and then Dan’s gonna have to stumble out in embarrassment while offering to pay for dry cleaning while- 

There’s a hand on his. Kevin’s speaking.  
  
“Hey, hey, cut that out.”  
  
Oh. He’d been digging his fingers into his leg again. Kevin pries his hand away, then takes his time smoothing out Dan’s fingers, running his own fingers over Dan’s knuckles, until they’re no longer strained and white.  
  
Kevin is blushing. Kevin is definitely blushing. Dan’s head wants to deny it, wants to twist it in a million ways until he’s running out of the room in fear, but there really is no denying the soft red staining Kev’s cheeks. Instead, his brain shuts down, no room for hope or curiosity or longing. He pulls his eyes away from Kevin’s face and instead chooses to look at the jacket as he pulls it closer around him. He finally feels capable of speaking.

“Thank you, Kev.” No voice cracks, no trembling, no nonsense. One point for Dan.  
  
Kevin moves to sit beside him, leaning against his bed so he’s still looking right at Dan. “Of course, dude. Do you wanna talk about what’s going on?”  
  
_ Heaven to hell again. _ No, he doesn’t wanna talk about it, can never talk about it, not to anyone, especially not to Kevin, his friend Kevin, his collab partner Kevin, ( _ his longtime crush that he’s never told anyone of, not even his pillow late at night when he’s daydreaming about warm arms surrounding him as he drifts off to sleep-) _

Dan focuses on the jacket instead, acting like he hadn’t heard a bit of Kevin’s question. “The jacket- it’s actually helping a lot. It’s like the perfect weight. How’d you know?”  
  
Kevin laughs, and the sound <strike>hurts Dan’s poor, lovesick ears</strike> is a happy respite from Dan’s stupid, anxious brain.  
  
“Believe it or not, I actually got it for that purpose. I needed something after the accident, when every day was too big, too loud, too frightening. I spent all day in the store trying on jacket after jacket to find the right one. Totally tore up my shoulder, too. Worth it, though.”  
  
Dan lets out a laugh. “Kevin! I’m not sure that’s actually worth the pain you put yourself through.”  
  
Kevin shoots a pointed look at the jacket still draped on Dan’s shoulders. “Wasn’t it, though?”  
  
The most awkward silence imaginable settles over the room, one Dan wishes he could end in a heartbeat, but he hasn’t a fucking clue what to say. Does he thank him again? Laugh it off? He’s trying to muster up the courage to give a genuine thank you, to express just how grateful he is, when he loses his chance to Kevin gripping his face in his hands before speaking.  
  
“Sorry, dude. I mean, I think it was worth it. It seemed to help, I mean- sorry. I hope it helped. Course it’s just a dumb jacket, it’s not really a big deal.”  
  
“I was nervous.”  
  
“What?”  
  
Dan clears his throat, then speaks again. “I was nervous. That’s why you found me in here. And that’s why I panicked. The party and everything, coming here- nerves just got to me. The jacket did really help-” He’s still grasping it, even, pulled tight over his shoulders, Kevin’s cologne making these words flow so easily but sound so much scarier coming out of his mouth. “-So thank you. I am glad you have it, even if you hurt yourself in the process.” Dan’s smiling now, looking directly at Kevin. He’s gonna be okay. He knows now he’s gonna be okay.  
  
And Kevin’s smiling back.  
  
“Dude, you could’ve totally told me you were nervous! I could’ve had you come over earlier or something, so you didn’t come in when everything was going. Honestly, that would’ve made me feel better with how nervous _I _was, I mean, I was cleaning all day, and-”

“Wait, _ you _ were nervous?”  
  
Kevin’s looking sheepish now, refusing to look Daniel in the eyes, rubbing his hands together over and over. There’s a rushing in Dan’s ears he can barely hear over the _ brush-brush, brush-brush _ noises Kevin’s fingers are making.  
  
“Yeah, I mean, I was. Throwing a whole party is tough, making sure it goes well, everyone’s happy, then with you coming over from Dublin I just needed to be extra on top of things, and-”  
  
“Wait, Kev, what? I didn’t even travel the farthest, why was I who you worried specifically about?”

“‘Cause it’s you, I guess” Kevin looks even more sheepish than before, if that’s at all possible. “I guess I just always wanna be able to impress you.”

If Dan’s being honest with himself (which would be a first), the last thing he ever expected to hear from Kevin, the CallMeKevin, was that _ he _ wanted to impress _ Dan. _ Not from his idol, the one he admired, the one he _ liked, _ for god’s sake. He can’t let this moment escape him. No matter how much his hands are shaking.  
  
“You do impress me, Kev. Like, constantly. Between Youtube and your friendship and just who you are.. You honestly never have to worry about that.” Dan takes a leap of faith, and reaches out to lay a hand on Kevin’s shoulder. Kevin looks up at him, smiles, and grabs the jacket before it can fall off Dan’s shoulder completely, placing it back and leaving his hand there. Dan swears he can see something in his eyes. Something that looks a bit like the looks he’s seen in his own when he dares to glance in the mirror thinking about Kevin.  
  
“You have no idea how much that means to me. Really, Dan. I… I worry more than you know. Maybe we both just have to be more honest about it.”

Dan smiles softly and desperately tries to work up any courage he can find within himself. “Honesty is always a good thing.”  
  
They haven’t changed positions at all. Dan’s heart is going to beat out of his chest any minute, he’s sure of it. In fact, Kevin seems to be coming closer, and Dan’s pretty sure he can _ hear _his own heart, loud as a motor, never slowing down as Kevin’s eyes appear right in front of his and-

They’re kissing. Those are Kevin’s lips on his, Kevin’s hands on his neck, his hip, Kevin’s knees bracing against his own. Dan uses his own hand to prop them up, his other hand tracing a pattern up Kevin’s side, finding its way into his hair, grabbing. For a moment, he’s terrified, that this is definitely a joke, a game, one big prank and everyone from the party is about to bust in the door and laugh right in his face about how he could ever fall, fall once for Kevin, once for such an awful, tragic joke-

But Kevin’s still kissing him. Kevin’s still holding him. He’s still okay.

He’s okay. He never wants to forget those words. He’s okay.  
  
And he’s going to be okay, even if they’ve stopped kissing, even if Kevin is sitting back, even if he’s smiling at him- smiling at him- he’s smiling at him. He’s reaching for his hand. He’s helping him up. They’re standing, smiling at each other, still holding hands, and Dan can’t remember what it ever felt like to worry.

And so he finally, finally, finally lets himself breathe. “I like you, Kevin.”

If he thought Kevin was smiling before, he was wrong. This is smiling, sunshine in his eyes, face glowing like Dan’s held the spotlight right over him. 

“God, Dan, I like you too.” 

Kevin reaches out, and Dan pulls him into a hug, basking in the warmth, the closeness, the feeling of soft skin and a well worn shirt and all things so very Kevin that he’s known so well, but never like this. He wants to learn Kevin in every new way he can. 

When they finally release each other, Kevin’s pulling him towards the door, making promises of more time together later, alone, when the party’s over and Dan is _ absolutely _not going back to Dublin for the night, not when Kevin finally really has him, when Dan remembers the familiar weight on his shoulders.

“Wait, Kev, your jacket-”  
  
“That looks so good on you, swallowing you up?” 

“Hey!” Dan glowers. He knows he’s smaller than Kevin, but he was almost relishing in how wearing the jacket was like a hug, surrounding him. Kevin holds his hand up as Dan is taking it off.

“Nah, you’re keeping it.” Dan stops short, holding the jacket in his hands. “Kevin, you literally just told me how long you spent trying to find this.”  
  
“Yeah, and you think after all the pain and time, I only bought one?” Kevin laughs, before taking the jacket and helping Daniel into it. “Besides.. Everyone knows that’s my jacket. And now they’re gonna know you’re wearing it.”  
  
Dan finds himself laughing along as he tucks himself under Kevin’s arm. “Very possessive, Kev, but cute. Very cute.”  
  
“Did you really expect anything less from me?”


End file.
